Love is a Love does

One year today (valentines day) my life changed. I met a girl that I fell in love with. For whatever reasons that the universe finds to do such things, it arranged a meeting of people. This meeting changed my life in many ways. It renewed my passion, my passion for life, and my passion as a man. It awoke me from a state of tired slothness. It changed my life, and then it ended.

I tend to choose my words carefully. Usually I say what I mean, though somtimes it takes some reading between the lines to understand what exactly I'm saying. When I say meeting and falling in love with Leila changed my life, I mean exactly that. It changed my life. It did not change me. I believe to the core, that who I am cannot change. If who I am changed I would no longer be me, and therefore would cease to exist. The passion I felt for her, the happiness I felt with her, the confidence, strength, and love that I experienced are things I still have. Things I can still feel. The same with the more negative aspects of it. Those things are still in me, just as they were one year ago today. And so I query, why am I not happy, not in love? Why do I not feel confident or strong?

Alot of the reason has to do with who I am, and the fact that I have not changed. The aspect of me that is affecting this, is that aspect of the crab. The ever loving, always guarded crab of cancer. I don't let myself feel these ways because basically, look where it got me? Hurt, sad, depressed, and stagnant. I tend to be very true to my astrological sign. When threatened or hurt I revert to my shell, my impenetrable shell. And there I remain. When something comes in and has an affect on my life, it has an affect on shell. And it all has to do with human growth.

Though I do not believe we can change who we are, I do believe who we are grows from experience. Growth can have different affects. As a metaphore take my shell. When Leila had an effect on my life, I grew too big for my shell. I was vulnerable and could not revert when worried. This caused me to experience life. And allowed me to feel that vulnerability, from which I grew. Though when it ended, I (as crabs do sometimes) found a bigger shell. One I could hide in for a very long time. One that would not let anyone in. One in which I could live with my own demons and darkness.

Today would have been mine and Leila's one year anniversary. If things had worked out. They did not, and I am alone. I have been so for half a year now. And before Leila it had been several years if not more since my last relationship. Half a year is a long time to spend in a shell. And it is not decorated very well, with little to no furniture. Though no matter the discomfort, I've thought alot, almost constantly, about my life and me. When I was with Leila I wanted to be the man she needed. I wanted to be that guy that was exactly what she needed. And it turns out i'm really good at doing that! Being what other people need. Unfortunately for me, what Leila needed in a guy was someone that would end up hurt. I think I played the part well. I'm not upset about it anymore, I'm not even that hurt about it anymore. I don't even blame her for anything. Aside from the stress of trying to make something work that felt like only one of us really wanted to, she really made me happy. And I really do love her.

Though after lots of thought and contimplation, I've decided to use my power. I believe in only two forms of power. Apparent power, and true power. Apparent power is the power that allow others to have the illusion of power in your life. This is the kind of power you give to, say a boss. You give them apparent power in your life. They have the illusion that what they say and decide has an effect on your life, and it does. Though only because you allow them that illusion. You could at any point in time say no. Or quit. There will be consequences yes. It might hurt you in the long run, but at any point you can take that apparent power from them. And that is true power. Having the ability to take apparent power away. True power is the power that only you hold. The power to affect your life and reality from within. In a way that absolutely no one else in this universe can do. God is apparent power, for even he cannot force you to believe in him.

I have grown far to tired of waiting for a catalyst to persuade myself to use my true power. I am far too tired of wanting to be who everyone needs to me to be. I am far too tired of living in my shell. And I am far, far too tired of being tired about everything.

I can't change the past by any means. I can't "get over" a women that I truly wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Though I can grow from it. I can move forward in life. Because my life doesn't change me. To think it does, is giving the things that happen to me, apparent power over myself. To know that, I, am what changes my life, is my true power.

Seth