My Dream

I was running on a plateau that was grassy. I was worried because it would be night soon. It was halloween night. On the edge of the plateau stood an old man, a native american. As I reached the edge there was a town ahead of me at the bottom of the plateau. It was a long drop down and there was a long twisting path to the north, with steps and a guard rail. The old Native American looked at me and told me it was a long way down, and that no one ever was brave enough to do it. I looked down and it was very steep and full of sand and grass. Some of this man's tribe gathered around the edge to watch and see if I would jump. The wind began to blow me back away from the edge. I looked at the old man and nodded, and then lept, sliding down the side. As I neared the bottom I saw a long tree branch laying in my path, I decided to slide over it, letting it pass between my legs. As I slid over I saw that it moved and it was a rattle snake. As I passed it, it jerked up and bit at me. I stumbled to the bottom where several of my friends waited. I asked them hysterically if It had gotten me, If I had been bitten. They laughed at me casually and said no.

I was worried because it was halloween night, and on this night I new I would not be able to hide what I am. My friends all laughed at me because I was already in costume. Though I knew I wasn't. We were going to a party where my friends girlfriend lived. I became excited thinking that her sister would be there. We hurried there where I broke off from my friends to search for this girl. People kept looking at me strangly and complimented me on the realism of my costume. I looked in the mirror and saw that I was my real self, and knew I couldn't hide it this night. I was looking through the crowd and then I found her face, looking for me. She smiled and ran through the crowd into my arms. She smiled and thanked me for coming. Then some of her friends dragged her away. I moved around the party looking for my friends. I found one friend on a couch with his girlfriend. They were getting undressed. I looked around me and saw that everyone was getting on the ground and taking their clothes off. I grew frustrated and walked towards the door, as I did my friend pulled on a rope and a curtain closed behind me. I went back and pulled the curtain away slightly and called my friends name out quietly. He looked up at me while his girlfriend was kissing his body. I told him if he saw her sister to tell her I went out to walk. He nodded and I closed the curtain.

I left the house and went out into the night. I knew it was cold but I could not feel it. I was having problems containing my self. I was frustrated but knew I had to. this was the only night in the year that I could not hide my true self. And I had to be careful not to let the ones that hunt my kind find me. I was scared but felt free. I walked all around town. I went to a park and waited for her. She came shortly after and curled up in my lap. She told me I shouldn't be out today. I felt warm with her next to me. I knew something was getting close and told her to run home, and that I would find her in the morning. She did so crying. I looked around until I saw the Lion. He was a ghost of course, white flames envelopped him. He was hunting my kind. Everthing in me told me to fight him. Though I knew I couldn't. I wasn't like that. I wasn't the kind of monster that let it control me. I fought my instincts. So instead I turned and ran. I knew that it smelled me and was chasing me. I knew i could turn and fight, and I would win. One lion was no match for me. Fighting the instinct to turn and fight was the harder then it would have been to fight the Lion. But i kept running, exhilerated. I was moving so fast the things around me blurred. I ran home and inside and locked the door.

My friend was on the couch sleeping. I lay down on the floor hoping my heart would beat slower. My friend got up and ran into the bathroom and began washing his arms. He was getting upset about something but I wasn't paying much attention. Then i heard a hiss and I opened my eyes. There was a snake bearing it's fangs at me. I jumped up bewildered. Then I looked around and snakes were all over the room. I began to kick them away. I yelled to my friend if he knew where all the snakes had come from. He replied with a "yeah they're always there. They just are always afraid of you." I told them they were trying to get me now and he commented that that was strange. The snakes began to hiss my name and I ran to the bathroom and moved my friend out of the way. I began throwing handfulls of water at the snakes until they left. I sat down and saw the sun rise out the window. I changed back to my illusion. and smiled.

I woke up.

Seth

My apologies to Stephenie Meyer

I have an apology to make. I judged harshly and without consideration. Twilight is not a horrible book. In fact what I have read so far is very good. I'm not saying that by the end i will love the book, or think it's amazing. But I am saying it is well written, and the story is intrigueing. I like it <.<

So I am sorry Stephenie Meyer.


there i said it.

Seth

Love is a Love does

One year today (valentines day) my life changed. I met a girl that I fell in love with. For whatever reasons that the universe finds to do such things, it arranged a meeting of people. This meeting changed my life in many ways. It renewed my passion, my passion for life, and my passion as a man. It awoke me from a state of tired slothness. It changed my life, and then it ended.

I tend to choose my words carefully. Usually I say what I mean, though somtimes it takes some reading between the lines to understand what exactly I'm saying. When I say meeting and falling in love with Leila changed my life, I mean exactly that. It changed my life. It did not change me. I believe to the core, that who I am cannot change. If who I am changed I would no longer be me, and therefore would cease to exist. The passion I felt for her, the happiness I felt with her, the confidence, strength, and love that I experienced are things I still have. Things I can still feel. The same with the more negative aspects of it. Those things are still in me, just as they were one year ago today. And so I query, why am I not happy, not in love? Why do I not feel confident or strong?

Alot of the reason has to do with who I am, and the fact that I have not changed. The aspect of me that is affecting this, is that aspect of the crab. The ever loving, always guarded crab of cancer. I don't let myself feel these ways because basically, look where it got me? Hurt, sad, depressed, and stagnant. I tend to be very true to my astrological sign. When threatened or hurt I revert to my shell, my impenetrable shell. And there I remain. When something comes in and has an affect on my life, it has an affect on shell. And it all has to do with human growth.

Though I do not believe we can change who we are, I do believe who we are grows from experience. Growth can have different affects. As a metaphore take my shell. When Leila had an effect on my life, I grew too big for my shell. I was vulnerable and could not revert when worried. This caused me to experience life. And allowed me to feel that vulnerability, from which I grew. Though when it ended, I (as crabs do sometimes) found a bigger shell. One I could hide in for a very long time. One that would not let anyone in. One in which I could live with my own demons and darkness.

Today would have been mine and Leila's one year anniversary. If things had worked out. They did not, and I am alone. I have been so for half a year now. And before Leila it had been several years if not more since my last relationship. Half a year is a long time to spend in a shell. And it is not decorated very well, with little to no furniture. Though no matter the discomfort, I've thought alot, almost constantly, about my life and me. When I was with Leila I wanted to be the man she needed. I wanted to be that guy that was exactly what she needed. And it turns out i'm really good at doing that! Being what other people need. Unfortunately for me, what Leila needed in a guy was someone that would end up hurt. I think I played the part well. I'm not upset about it anymore, I'm not even that hurt about it anymore. I don't even blame her for anything. Aside from the stress of trying to make something work that felt like only one of us really wanted to, she really made me happy. And I really do love her.

Though after lots of thought and contimplation, I've decided to use my power. I believe in only two forms of power. Apparent power, and true power. Apparent power is the power that allow others to have the illusion of power in your life. This is the kind of power you give to, say a boss. You give them apparent power in your life. They have the illusion that what they say and decide has an effect on your life, and it does. Though only because you allow them that illusion. You could at any point in time say no. Or quit. There will be consequences yes. It might hurt you in the long run, but at any point you can take that apparent power from them. And that is true power. Having the ability to take apparent power away. True power is the power that only you hold. The power to affect your life and reality from within. In a way that absolutely no one else in this universe can do. God is apparent power, for even he cannot force you to believe in him.

I have grown far to tired of waiting for a catalyst to persuade myself to use my true power. I am far too tired of wanting to be who everyone needs to me to be. I am far too tired of living in my shell. And I am far, far too tired of being tired about everything.

I can't change the past by any means. I can't "get over" a women that I truly wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Though I can grow from it. I can move forward in life. Because my life doesn't change me. To think it does, is giving the things that happen to me, apparent power over myself. To know that, I, am what changes my life, is my true power.

Seth

Something

The truth's one see's in their own reflection, are the lies they hold within.

Without an impure thought, purity would be unobtainable.

To suceed at life you have to fail at death.

To overcome your ego, you have to believe your good enough to do so.

In order to find peace, you have to be still.

In order to blow a house down, you have to be one bad ass mother fucking wolf.

Seth

Mmm eggs

Mmm eggs, I love eggs. I'm going to write an impromptu ode to eggs

*clears throat*

Oh eggs how I love you in so many ways
I love you scrambled with ham and cheese
or fried with salt and pepper
I love the way you feel on the tip of my tongue
and the way I feel when you go down
I love how you can be a breakfast, lunch or dinner
or even an hor devour (that's deviled eggs)
I love to cover you with ketchup
or sometimes even salsa, or cheese
Oh eggs how I love you in so many ways.

Thank you. If I've made you shed a tear I know that my lifes work has been accomplished. If only everyone could feel the way that i do about eggs.. the world would be a better place.. I know it in my heart.

Seth

Naxxaramaas

Tonight I logged on to WoW for a moment before bed, and lo and behold I got invited to help my guild in Naxx! A ten man raid! I had a blast with the people in my new guild, even though we didn't get very far. That was fun.. and now bed, for work comes early to those who play late.

Seth

Stupid is as stupid does

So i'm here at work, and i'm giving dallin a lunch break. So I thought I would write something.

Now I tend to make myself laugh alot. Sometimes my friends catch me laughing out loud to something i was thinking about in my head. That happened the other day while I was shopping with Dallin and Nadya. I was thinking about how they and the other shoppers around us would react, if I began to act mentally handicapped. I was thinking about all the ways I could portray a mentally handicapped person, following Dallin and Nadya around the store.

And then a thought occured to me. How is it possible to "act" mentally handicapped? How can we, as humans, portray other states of being? We can "act" happy, sad, mad, confused, excited, we can make ourselves cry, or fall down in faked fustration. I think we can "act" out these state of being because we have the capacity for them.

So then, why can we act, or pretend to be retarded? Because we as humans have the capacity to be so.

Just a thought.

Seth

Life's little reminders

I am at work currently, typing this. I have alot of paper work that I am just having a hard time finding the motivation to do. I've had a hard time focusing as of late. I'm trying to quit smoking, and it's been an internal hell for me. I never realized how much I rely on cigarettes to cower my anxiety and stress. And I guess I never realized how anxious and stressed I really am. And now I just got too anxious to write anymore...

I'll post more later ^.^