I started the day out, tired as hell. I fell asleep last night reading. Though that does not even describe it! I actually was so tired, but so determined to read, that I was reading with one eye barely open because I did not have enough energy to keep two eyes open. With my hands just laying on the book keeping it open, again because I didn't have enough energy to hold the book. I love to read! But sometimes when I am reading a book, I think i get too obsessed with it for my own good. If I don't take a break from a book, I read it straight through, sometimes in one sitting. I have been trying to take breaks... nadya just broke down my door... anyways, to take breaks and read books leisurely. Though I find when I get close to finishing something I will overtax myself to the point of absolute exhaustion to finish it. Hmm...

Though I digress.

I was tired and working. And I knew I had a lot to do today. I had a front desk meeting scheduled. And then my energy started to build. Some things happened that frustrated me but I tried to let them pass and not linger on them. And my energy built more. It started to get to where I was riding the energy. It was so much I found myself bursting into song, and saying random things that made no sense. I even jumped out to the front desk at one point doing a wave motion with my arms! I was trying to ride it like a bronco horse. Then I got off work, and my mind was so active and filled with so much energy I didn't even remember driving when I got home.

Side note. Earlier I was trying to think of Jack Blacks name. I could not, no matter how hard I pictured his face, no matter how much I focused on him, could not remember his name. It felt like my head was too full of information, and that little info was something that had to be dumped. Like I had to forget Jack Black's name in order to remember something else. I asked Dallin and He told me the name. And now I worry... what did I have to forget to re-remember Jack Black's name? And was it worth losing that knowledge to know his name?

Though I digress once more.

When I got home it was an awesome night and I offered Kyle, my brother, some pizza. Because Liz saved me an entire pizza that was huge. So we ate and then went outside. Dallin joined us while Nadya worked on her computer. Then we were talking and hanging out, and me Kyle decided to sword fight. We did, and it was epic. We fought and coreographed a little fight until well after dark. Until our arms were too sore to go on.

After that I came inside and me and Dallin ganged up on Nadya and mockingly teased her a little bit. And then I was feelig my arm. And my forearm was rock hard from sword fighting and I said "I bet I could crush a can with this forarm, because it's so hard." And Nadya rolled her eyes at me..... She rolled her eyes. That was it, I dashed for my room (more like walked briskly) and grabbed a can... because their's can's in my room. And took it into the kitchen. I then placed it on the ground... and yeah... I CRUSHED THE CAN WITH MY FOREARM!

And then I said I should write about it, so I did. And now I must eat to feed my forearm awesomeness!!!

Seth

I stopped on the fourth floor. It was the one that stood out the most to me. The lines in the number seemed to glow with an inner burn. Like hot coals sitting in the night. The door opened and in front of me lay a valley to my left, with tree's making a wall. To my right was a mountain side, where homes and buildings were carved into it.

The air in front of me began to bend and wave. The movement made a mist that took on the general form of a human. It reached out to me. I imediately became defensive and crouched away. It stopped for a moment, and then it began to dance. It danced with fluid movements of it's body. Like air dancing with purpose. I began to feel something but I was reluctant to feel it. I did not want to feel what this being was trying to convey to me.

It stopped dancing and stood there. And I thought it might be smiling, but I could not see a face, only mist. It held it's arms out in an open gesture. I felt more and more like it was smiling. And then I realized that it was not smiling, it was happy. More than happy. It was love and happy and enjoyment all in one. No mere smile could convey how this being felt. And it was this way because I was here. This emotion that I can not label was due to my being here. I began to cry.

This made the being feel stronger and it jumped to me and embraced me in a hug. It flowed around me whispering in my ear without words. It said "This is because of you! Your presence makes me feel such! Feel this with me!" And I did. My eyes watered again and my chest heaved up, the breath gone from me.

And then I left, and went down the elevator.

And I realized how much emotion I block myself from experiencing.

It has been a long time since my last post. And today I am working the night shift alone, and I am very very bored. And I have enough energy to fill an elephant. So I thought I would post something. But I am not sure what this post is about. So let's explore that for a minute.

This post derived from my having too much energy to contain. And I was very very bored. So this post is about an expression of energy, while having the time and energy to write such a post. So in line with the subject of this post let's continue.

I am answering the phone right now, this moment. I just had a very nice conversation with a girl named stephanie. It amazes me how many girls go gaga when i talk to them on the phone. They melt like hot butter. She told me about her part time job, and how old she is, and where she lives, and how often she works, and that she is recently single and her favorite color is green, with out me asking anything.

Now I just got swarmed by ukrainians. They are funny people, i like them alot. And there are some that are gorgeous. But the one's I like are the ones that are very simple. they don't dress like girls in america that look like them would. They dress simple and plain, and that somehow makes them stand out to me as more beautiful. I'm having a conversation with a ukrainian right now while i type this, and we are making hand signals to try and decern what the other is saying. The funny thing is we are both also talking in our own languages even though neither of us understands eachother. And we are both talking louder and slower. It's fun, like an adventure in communication. The funny part is I am picking up words and their meaning through the conversation. I think I have a good ear for accents and words. The ukrainians that speak english are telling me I have a perfect accent. Maybe they tell everyone that?

One time I became afraid that someone was going to throw hot speghetti at me through the internet, and I feared it would burn me.

Some things are universal. this ukrainian girl is upset with her husband because the converter they have is not working. he is trying to fix the problem and she is getting more upset with him because he's ignoring her anger and trying to fix the problem. So she walked away and he started shruging at me and shaking his head. And we both looked at eachother with this knowing look.. that look? "Fucking women." It was awesome. it's nice to know that women can annoy the hell out of men no matter where or what race you are. And that men can mess things up and not react right to a woman as well. Ha ha.

Oh god it's only been ten minutes since I started writing... i have too much energy!!!

Every time I sit in a bathroom stall I picture in my head punching through the door. And when i sit in a bathroom, i picture balancing a sword on my fingure tips and then thrust it through the door. And when i stand at a urinal I picture breaking the tile's with my head.

I purposefully physically try and put myself in a submissive state, to seem less threatening. I sit lower or slouch so i'm sitting lower or I look at the ground.

Today in a dream someone told me they were coming for me. I wanted to know when. They said soon.

I wonder if vagina's can smoke, I was told today that assholes can drink.

If I had a girlfriend, the tie would be on the bedroom door tonight, and someone would be making noises like a rabbit, i can't promise it wouldn't be me.

what I wrote right above this line made me laugh very hard, picturing me making rabbit noises whilst the sex was a happening.

I'm still laughing

One time a girl asked me if blue balls actually hurts, upon answering a deffinately yes, she then asked why do guys masturbate then. I didn't understand the question. She then clarified. "Why do guys masturbate if they just keep giving themselves blue balls, if it hurts why do you do it?" I laughed for a half hour straight. Silly girls.

Omg I'm laughing again about the rabbit noises.

I'm dying for a smoke....

I can feel the craving coming, it's overwhelming me!!!

okay it passed, but I am thirsty

God I'm thirsty. I really really need a sugary carbonated drink

I really want a diet coke, scratch that, I was a nice burning regular coke

Something that burns on the way down and sticks like syrup. I want something completely unhealthy right now. I want a nice big burger straight from the grill, still dripping with juices boiling from the heat of the flame. I want a coke in a clear glass with ice, and condensation on the outside. And I want to drink it from a straw. Scratch that, I do want it to be a diet coke. But I don't want to run out.

That's one of my fantasy's in life, having an unending supply of soda. To never run out, no matter how much I drink I don't run out. Oh god that sounds awesome!! And it doesn't have to be soda, but some drink with sugar, that never ever runs out, I can drink it forever!!!

I'm thinking about salivating at that thought but that would be too much like Homer.

How funny that america has taken a name so great as Homer, a name known to the world! And devolved it into a rambling bafoon of a man. Blah!!!

I'm going to write a bible that has Seth kill Kane, i'm tired of being portrayed as the pussy third son of adam. "My name is Seth of Adam and Eve. You killed my brother, prepare to die!"

I really need a massage, or however you spell that. God I don't remember ever getting a real one. And my muscles are sore as hell. Oh god!!! Getting a massage while drinking my endless amount of diet coke!!! I think i might salivate after all!

And while getting my massage and drinking my endless diet coke, i will be making rabbit noises!!

OMG I CAN'T STOP LAUGHING!!

My Dream

I was running on a plateau that was grassy. I was worried because it would be night soon. It was halloween night. On the edge of the plateau stood an old man, a native american. As I reached the edge there was a town ahead of me at the bottom of the plateau. It was a long drop down and there was a long twisting path to the north, with steps and a guard rail. The old Native American looked at me and told me it was a long way down, and that no one ever was brave enough to do it. I looked down and it was very steep and full of sand and grass. Some of this man's tribe gathered around the edge to watch and see if I would jump. The wind began to blow me back away from the edge. I looked at the old man and nodded, and then lept, sliding down the side. As I neared the bottom I saw a long tree branch laying in my path, I decided to slide over it, letting it pass between my legs. As I slid over I saw that it moved and it was a rattle snake. As I passed it, it jerked up and bit at me. I stumbled to the bottom where several of my friends waited. I asked them hysterically if It had gotten me, If I had been bitten. They laughed at me casually and said no.

I was worried because it was halloween night, and on this night I new I would not be able to hide what I am. My friends all laughed at me because I was already in costume. Though I knew I wasn't. We were going to a party where my friends girlfriend lived. I became excited thinking that her sister would be there. We hurried there where I broke off from my friends to search for this girl. People kept looking at me strangly and complimented me on the realism of my costume. I looked in the mirror and saw that I was my real self, and knew I couldn't hide it this night. I was looking through the crowd and then I found her face, looking for me. She smiled and ran through the crowd into my arms. She smiled and thanked me for coming. Then some of her friends dragged her away. I moved around the party looking for my friends. I found one friend on a couch with his girlfriend. They were getting undressed. I looked around me and saw that everyone was getting on the ground and taking their clothes off. I grew frustrated and walked towards the door, as I did my friend pulled on a rope and a curtain closed behind me. I went back and pulled the curtain away slightly and called my friends name out quietly. He looked up at me while his girlfriend was kissing his body. I told him if he saw her sister to tell her I went out to walk. He nodded and I closed the curtain.

I left the house and went out into the night. I knew it was cold but I could not feel it. I was having problems containing my self. I was frustrated but knew I had to. this was the only night in the year that I could not hide my true self. And I had to be careful not to let the ones that hunt my kind find me. I was scared but felt free. I walked all around town. I went to a park and waited for her. She came shortly after and curled up in my lap. She told me I shouldn't be out today. I felt warm with her next to me. I knew something was getting close and told her to run home, and that I would find her in the morning. She did so crying. I looked around until I saw the Lion. He was a ghost of course, white flames envelopped him. He was hunting my kind. Everthing in me told me to fight him. Though I knew I couldn't. I wasn't like that. I wasn't the kind of monster that let it control me. I fought my instincts. So instead I turned and ran. I knew that it smelled me and was chasing me. I knew i could turn and fight, and I would win. One lion was no match for me. Fighting the instinct to turn and fight was the harder then it would have been to fight the Lion. But i kept running, exhilerated. I was moving so fast the things around me blurred. I ran home and inside and locked the door.

My friend was on the couch sleeping. I lay down on the floor hoping my heart would beat slower. My friend got up and ran into the bathroom and began washing his arms. He was getting upset about something but I wasn't paying much attention. Then i heard a hiss and I opened my eyes. There was a snake bearing it's fangs at me. I jumped up bewildered. Then I looked around and snakes were all over the room. I began to kick them away. I yelled to my friend if he knew where all the snakes had come from. He replied with a "yeah they're always there. They just are always afraid of you." I told them they were trying to get me now and he commented that that was strange. The snakes began to hiss my name and I ran to the bathroom and moved my friend out of the way. I began throwing handfulls of water at the snakes until they left. I sat down and saw the sun rise out the window. I changed back to my illusion. and smiled.

I woke up.

Seth

My apologies to Stephenie Meyer

I have an apology to make. I judged harshly and without consideration. Twilight is not a horrible book. In fact what I have read so far is very good. I'm not saying that by the end i will love the book, or think it's amazing. But I am saying it is well written, and the story is intrigueing. I like it <.<

So I am sorry Stephenie Meyer.


there i said it.

Seth

Love is a Love does

One year today (valentines day) my life changed. I met a girl that I fell in love with. For whatever reasons that the universe finds to do such things, it arranged a meeting of people. This meeting changed my life in many ways. It renewed my passion, my passion for life, and my passion as a man. It awoke me from a state of tired slothness. It changed my life, and then it ended.

I tend to choose my words carefully. Usually I say what I mean, though somtimes it takes some reading between the lines to understand what exactly I'm saying. When I say meeting and falling in love with Leila changed my life, I mean exactly that. It changed my life. It did not change me. I believe to the core, that who I am cannot change. If who I am changed I would no longer be me, and therefore would cease to exist. The passion I felt for her, the happiness I felt with her, the confidence, strength, and love that I experienced are things I still have. Things I can still feel. The same with the more negative aspects of it. Those things are still in me, just as they were one year ago today. And so I query, why am I not happy, not in love? Why do I not feel confident or strong?

Alot of the reason has to do with who I am, and the fact that I have not changed. The aspect of me that is affecting this, is that aspect of the crab. The ever loving, always guarded crab of cancer. I don't let myself feel these ways because basically, look where it got me? Hurt, sad, depressed, and stagnant. I tend to be very true to my astrological sign. When threatened or hurt I revert to my shell, my impenetrable shell. And there I remain. When something comes in and has an affect on my life, it has an affect on shell. And it all has to do with human growth.

Though I do not believe we can change who we are, I do believe who we are grows from experience. Growth can have different affects. As a metaphore take my shell. When Leila had an effect on my life, I grew too big for my shell. I was vulnerable and could not revert when worried. This caused me to experience life. And allowed me to feel that vulnerability, from which I grew. Though when it ended, I (as crabs do sometimes) found a bigger shell. One I could hide in for a very long time. One that would not let anyone in. One in which I could live with my own demons and darkness.

Today would have been mine and Leila's one year anniversary. If things had worked out. They did not, and I am alone. I have been so for half a year now. And before Leila it had been several years if not more since my last relationship. Half a year is a long time to spend in a shell. And it is not decorated very well, with little to no furniture. Though no matter the discomfort, I've thought alot, almost constantly, about my life and me. When I was with Leila I wanted to be the man she needed. I wanted to be that guy that was exactly what she needed. And it turns out i'm really good at doing that! Being what other people need. Unfortunately for me, what Leila needed in a guy was someone that would end up hurt. I think I played the part well. I'm not upset about it anymore, I'm not even that hurt about it anymore. I don't even blame her for anything. Aside from the stress of trying to make something work that felt like only one of us really wanted to, she really made me happy. And I really do love her.

Though after lots of thought and contimplation, I've decided to use my power. I believe in only two forms of power. Apparent power, and true power. Apparent power is the power that allow others to have the illusion of power in your life. This is the kind of power you give to, say a boss. You give them apparent power in your life. They have the illusion that what they say and decide has an effect on your life, and it does. Though only because you allow them that illusion. You could at any point in time say no. Or quit. There will be consequences yes. It might hurt you in the long run, but at any point you can take that apparent power from them. And that is true power. Having the ability to take apparent power away. True power is the power that only you hold. The power to affect your life and reality from within. In a way that absolutely no one else in this universe can do. God is apparent power, for even he cannot force you to believe in him.

I have grown far to tired of waiting for a catalyst to persuade myself to use my true power. I am far too tired of wanting to be who everyone needs to me to be. I am far too tired of living in my shell. And I am far, far too tired of being tired about everything.

I can't change the past by any means. I can't "get over" a women that I truly wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Though I can grow from it. I can move forward in life. Because my life doesn't change me. To think it does, is giving the things that happen to me, apparent power over myself. To know that, I, am what changes my life, is my true power.

Seth

Something

The truth's one see's in their own reflection, are the lies they hold within.

Without an impure thought, purity would be unobtainable.

To suceed at life you have to fail at death.

To overcome your ego, you have to believe your good enough to do so.

In order to find peace, you have to be still.

In order to blow a house down, you have to be one bad ass mother fucking wolf.

Seth